Friday, March 22, 2013

-BookPics Is Curious- I'm still alive! A Confession & Pictures

SOOOOOOO

After not posting for quite some time I remembered that I HAD to have posted here to let you guys know that I was going away for a few days...

But I didn't and now it's too late for that post BUT I have the best solution!

And that is...
Pictures!!!

But first,
My confession...

You see, I'm a really really shy person, I mean it, it's more of a condition than an adjective to describe myself plus I'm completely terrified of all new things... Specially if it involves me going out there in the world and doing this said new thing... Anything that comes to mind that you've never had in your life before and want to try? Well I would second guess and then third and fourth guess myself all the time before actually committing to try this "NEW" thing... And then I'd just give up on doing it...

Imagine living like that...

So yeap... I "know" it is some kind of condition but ummmm I've learned to somewhat live with it... And that is NOT a good thing nor is it a good way to live... Always terrified of the future but being even more terrified to do something about it.

It's getting kind of personal here, but well... Since I have nowhere else to vent what better place to do so than here with all you guys?!!

Continuing lol... As I was saying, I'm terrified... I always get palpitations... my heart beating a million miles a second when I know I'm about to do something new or go somewhere new... I get sweaty palms, my stomach burns... LITERALLY... and I get all kinds of things. It is AWFUL and I really don't wish it on anyone...

It also happened whenever I even "thought" I was the center of attention... And the sick part is, it is all related, I'm shy because I'm a really insecure person and because of that insecurity I almost always believe the worst things will happen whenever I'm involved, and if I try to do something new in a new place I almost always believe people are staring at me and eating me alive with their eyes, dissecting every single flaw I have... I don't like attention and I'm not used to people complimenting me. Not at all. I'm used to criticism, I'm used to being looked down upon... <- or however it is written.

I'm used to all things negative, I expect them, I've grown accustomed to them, they're not new, I'm not scared of them... But people being nice? Well THAT is a shocker! Always...

Lets just say... It got to a point where I was taken to the doctor... [Taken, because I was somewhat still considered little... I had just turned 18] Not the body is sick type... But the other one... The one people is ashamed to admit they've ever visited... But since it was a long time ago and I remember her telling me to try and write down about it whenever I was ready... Hecks, I'm doing it now... So yeap... I went to therapy for all of 3 sessions... 3... And then... I stopped, I even was terrified of that one first meeting with the doctor... Got all my "normal to me" reactions to going there...
She kind of helped, but didn't... Though she gave me a LOT to think about...

She did tell me the name of the thing I was suffering from though that too... Has been long forgotten along with a lot of the things I said that first day I went...

I didn't use to be like this... At all... And that is a story that will definitely be told -maybe lol- some other time... But know this, I really really wasn't like this.

My point? You know me, well, most of you anyway... And you know how incredibly international I am lol to author events... So I'm always saying how one day I'm going to make it to the US -because it's the closest place to go to attend an author event and because most of the people I know are there- and meet my BookAngels or favorite authors or favorite bloggers... And I mean it... I KNOW I'll make it... I KNOW.

The problem? actually getting all my papers to travel... Just THINKING about everything that I have to do makes me start feeling sick... Then I start visualizing all the possible scenarios that can come to play when say, I go request a 'tourist visa' and start playing in my mind over and over everything that can go wrong... All that finishes with me talking myself out of even trying to go to the US so I end up getting frustrated and angry at myself for being such a coward.

Then I'd come here, see all those lovely pictures of readers accomplishing a dream of theirs by meeting an author or simply a picture of all those pretty bookstores that most of you have close to you... And I'll get encouraged again to go and I'll plan... And the "process" starts all over again with me ending up the same way... Frustrated and angry and sad... It's a never ending cycle...

I know I said I was going to post some pictures and I so am... But let me get the story out :)

So, last month... My dad had to go buy some plane tickets for him and my sister (long story) because they were traveling to South America... And he bought a ticket for himself so he could stay a while in Panama after returning from his trip with my sister...

Long story short? He got a ticket for me....

-insert me screaming inside-

Ticket, plane ticket... GET IT?! A freaking plane ticket for me to go to Panama???
Want the punch line, oh guys there definitely is a punch line... I'd be going ALONE... ALL FREAKING ALONE!!!!! And I'd be staying there ALONE in a new country with no freaking person in sight whom I knew even the name of... O_O For an entire day...

Suffice it to say... My stomach almost ate himself out the very same minute after my dad told me the news... Then I proceeded to panic... My heart almost beat himself out of my body while my brain tried to formulate a perfectly reasonable excuse as to why my dad's 'tactic' for curing me of my abrasion of new things -in this case the process of going from one country to another via airplane- was the WORST.IDEA.EVER.THOUGHT.

Of course, none of the things I said were even half valid,

"Dad, the business, you cannot truly believe I'll be able to handle it all by myself while you're away with my sis then actually leave it all alone when I go away too..."

"Please, you know I'm TERRIFIED of going and trying new things... I don't even know where the freaking entrance to the airport is..."

"I can't even..."

"Dad, please... Just... Don't do this... It's not normal for a father to force her daughter into doing something she's terrified of... Specially if she's of age..."

"Mom, please try to reason with dad... He's being special right now..."

"I lost my passport..."

"I'm not feeling well, I don't think I'll make it for the trip..."

Oh, the excuses were endless and my dad had a perfectly reasonable reply to them... They ALL made sense and I ended up looking even more of a freak...

So...

Off goes my dad with my sis 2 weeks ago...
And I was left alone and somewhat calm for a week or so... THEN...

Then...

Saturday March 16th of 2013 came...
The time was 12:00 pm...
I went to pick my uncle up so he could take me to the airport...

I only allowed myself ONE second of feeling sick and the center of attention when I evacuated the vehicle and entered the airport...

What did you know?! I KNEW the entrance of the airport!!!

What can I say???

People are actually PEOPLE in airports... The person sitting next to me on the waiting room gate thingy was actually a normal woman and not someone who wanted to kill me with her stare...

The person sitting next to me in the plane was kind of cute...

I got 2 seats for myself in the plane...

I arrived in Panama a bit late but safe and sound...

X_______X

You have NO idea how much I loved my dad afterwards but you also have no idea how much I hated him just before entering the airport while still in my country...

Apparently my dad's ways worked, this time. And now I've fallen head-over-heels with planes, flying, and new countries...

I know I'm not cured, not by a long shot... And I know there's still a lot of fears for me to overcome to start trying out new things everyday... But for now... I'm happy with this, for some small, for me HUGE victory that I've made...

And as an awesome author once said... I'm going to be scared BUT not frozen...

Thanks dad for doing this, that while completely terrifying, it was also a learning experience... And while I didn't actually went for fun... (I worked 3 out of the 4 days I was in Panama) I still enjoyed every single second of it.

So here I am... Telling you that if you suffer from this 'condition' as well, you're definitely NOT alone. And you can overcome things... Just do it one tiny step at a time, or whatever step suits you the best. Don't force it, maybe if someone forces you it'll help just like how the route my dad took helped me, but sometimes it won't... Don't fret just yet.

And I'm always here if you want to talk -write- to someone about it.

I'm not telling you this so you can feel sorry for me, I came to terms with what I have a while ago... It wasn't easy... It still isn't easy but at least I'm not ignorant of what I suffer...

Nor am I telling you this so you'll treat me differently...

I'm also not telling this so I can grab attention, if you read carefully my post you'll see that's the LAST thing in my mind if it is in it at all...

No.

I'm writing this because there are people out there with this condition, sickness, illness, call it whatever you want. And they don't know it, they think they are REALLY sick, as in maybe they think they have a heart illness or they're going crazy... But you're not.

And you shouldn't be ashamed. Nor should you be ashamed of seeking out help.

I'm still the same Alba... Though now, you know a bit more about me :D


Update***

Books helped me, still help... A lot. Also taking pictures... And believe it or not... English. But to each its own... You can find a way to deal with it too... Maybe it isn't reading or maybe it is... Try it :D You might be surprised.

***End of Update



And now... long overdue...

Pretty pictures from my trip.

-PLEASE DON'T STEAL MY PICTURES! And if you want to use them, give the due credit or link back here.-


Leaving my tiny country :D




You know I'm addicted to clouds by now... :D



Panamá!








Panama City.













El Canal de Panamá.




First time EVER I've been to the Atlantic Ocean lol!







Back home :D
It got all icy and crusty :D

[As full Alba-mode I obviously had to get sick one day before my trip and now I might have to have surgery in the next couple of days... So OF COURSE I'm most likely going to be recovering during Spring Break! AWESOME ¬_¬ ]

So... I don't think I'm curious today... Because I won't ask you about... well things like this one... But if you ever want to share :D Don't forget I'm here. Really.

3 comentarios:

  1. OMG I want to give you the BIGGEST hug girl:) My daughter has some of the same troubles as you and I tell her all the time screw people you are BEAUTIFUL and WE love you. Some people have their own problems and don't understand how to deal with them so being nasty or what not to others makes them feel well. She is a GREAT person on the inside and out as well as you girl and never let anyone or anything people do change that or make you hide. U ARE AMAZING as U and thats all we want!!! Stay Strong and be happy no one is worth making you feel this way!! U ROCK and books are a great outlet I do AGREE 100% ( my daughter reads a lot too) I sure Hope you get to come to the US I would love to meet you:)

    Ps. I know sometimes it's something you can't help but always remember DIFFERENT IS BETTER:) LOL:) My kids thinks Iam nuts but know they have a one of the kind mom!!;)

    Love all the pictures, looks like a LOAD of fun!! MY Hubby went there and he said it was pretty:) I miss the beach;( Keep writing I have my daughter keep a journal and tell her to always write in it, it does help!!:)

    xxxxxx bella

    ReplyDelete
  2. XOXOXO YOU. ARE. AMAZING. A STAR. Never doubt yourself again. I know, I know, easier said than done. I have the same affliction. I do. I've never flown alone, but I do love to fly. My first roadtrip- by myself, was the six hour drive to Forks WA to see my bestie and the first Twilight movie. I also love to drive, but I was terrified. Turned out to be a great and beautiful drive. Still, I'm so afraid of change, the unexpected, any risk. And yes, my fear is based in insecurity too. It's something I deal (or don't deal) with everyday.

    I commend you for your bravery here, Alba. A lot of people can benefit from your experience and your words. Keep shining bright. I really hope one day to be able to see you in person and give you the biggest HUG ever! <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why, thanks for making me cry.
      You rock my socks.

      Love you <333

      Delete

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