I never really thought bad things, really really bad things could happen to such good people.
Not that this "bad" thing is anything new. But I always thought that something would give, you know? Like, life would be a little easier, friends would be easier to come by, money would be much more reachable. And a lot more.
But now, my mom's been sick since fall last year and I thought it would somewhat change me, change me and my aversion to socialize, change me and my fear of new things, change me and my low self esteem, change me and my struggling to make decisions, change me and a whole family.
The only thing so far that's really changed is my mom, I've seen her grow slowly and constantly and without a pause, weaker. Her family abandoning her and my dad's family being there when I thought they wouldn't really.
I've seen my dad get years older in a matter of months, both my sisters and I live in denial. And my relationship with God take a nosedive. Not that I blame God, I blame me for a lot of stuff, sometimes even for my mom's bad days.
No, she hasn't cancer but yes it is a common illness here in my country.
She's in need of a transplant but we don't have any sort of waiting list or donors list whatsoever.
Good treatment is eating up a lot of $$$ because the public/free kind of treatment would only help her get worse.
No my sisters and I won't be able to donate because doctors say we're too young and my mom and dad refused the thought without us even able to offer. But offer we did, beg we did.
There are some really good days when we will all forget my mom's condition.
Then, there's the bad days, when I feel like building up walls around me is the best thing I can do, I'm almost 25 but when she gets so down even my dad can't be of much help I feel like I'm only 5 and I need my mom back.
The one who always would bicker with me back and forth, the one who would sneak up on my bed in the middle of the night to stay up talking with me because she couldn't sleep and didn't want to wake up dad.
The one who fought me and my sister when we decided we wanted to go abroad to study.
The one who was so strong she would carry every burden of each and every member of her family if she could.
I want her back.
I know it'll be a hard and maybe even long road.
We are in desperate need of a kidney.
I would have never thought such a tiny or tiny organs would have such a huge part in one's health.
She has had to refrain herself from eating so many things it's completely ridiculous and sad for her.
If there's one thing my mom has always enjoyed? Food!
Specially the saucy hot type. If it had tomatoes my mom would definitely be taking a huge bite out of it.
But now that's poison to her. Literally.
I know it won't change overnight.
But, there's been some good things.
I've learned a lot.
I now know what true love is like, looks like... How it interacts, how it treats, how it touches, how it sees, hears, strokes, how it is simply there, no questions asked.
My dad loves my mom so much even I can feel it over me. My mom loves my dad so much I can't help but infected along with it.
I see it every single day now. Even more so than before.
They never say it to each other, they're shy that way.
But whenever my dad cooks for her, when he lets her sleep in, when she cooks for him, when her eyes search and search for him inside an overcrowded room just to find him already looking at her.
I'm happy and sad.
I'm helpless but hopeful.
I'm empty but full.
I'm the same but changed.
I still believe in God.
I still strongly believe that love is the greatest weapon of all.
After all, God is love and love is God.
But if you have a family member sick, ill, or suffering from one condition or another. Now I can relate better than ever.
Maybe you don't believe that things will get better. Maybe you do.
But I just want you all to remember.
We are not alone.
You are definitely not alone.
Your pain can be heard, can be seen, can be smelled and even touched.
Having faith isn't bad. Disappointment isn't wrong.
Hopefulness isn't a weakness.
Smiling is possible.
There's always tomorrow. There's always a minute from now. You never know...
I love my family. I can't tell you how much more appreciative of it I've become.
I love the friends I've made through the blogging/reading/kpop community. I don't regret all the time I spent writing reviews or reading books... It relaxed me, it made me breathe a little easier.
I know I've come back and back again trying to find some semblance of normalcy between real life and the internet but I wasn't able to, haven't been able to yet.
I tried coming up with reviews for the amazing books I've been able to read this year but I just couldn't even make myself pick up my laptop.
I've tried new things and at least one of them stuck with me.
But I just cannot for the life of me give up on this blog.
It's been my sanity more times than I can count.
It's been with me since I gathered enough courage to put my thoughts out there for everyone and anyone to see.
We've come a long way, BookPics and I.
I thought it was all over a month ago.
I thought I would officially delete the blog, the facebook page and also delete all friends and authors from all the other social media. I felt like I would just somehow someway bring them down with how things were going in my family.
I felt so alone.
But now, I just can't.
I love books, I love reading, I authors. I'm thankful. I'm so freaking thankful is laughable!
If I were to recognize an author strolling outside my house I'd freaking attack-hug him/her.
And this is where I get to interact with them. My blog, social media. The internet.
I still have dreams of changing my scared and fearful persona. I still have faith in me.
I hope some of you get to read this.
I'll try to come back.
Slowly maybe, but surely.
I can't wait to tell you about all the reading I've done! All the new authors I've stumbled upon! All the pictures I've taken! All the music I've listened to! All the makeup shenanigans I've learned! All the amazing support my BookAngels have been!
So I don't have as much $$ to spend on books as before... still. I need to find a way.
I will find a way.
And even if most of you won't read this. I'll still just continue.
Because I took it for granted before.
But not anymore.
This tiny thing is mine!
All of this! I did it!
My space, my words, my fangirlingness!!!!
Love is everything you guys!!
I love reading!!