Story Time?

Hi guys!
It's been a while, hasn't it?

I had so many goals set for this year, one of them being coming back to the blog and start sharing my reviews again, I wanted to start writing once again as well even vlogging maybe but sometimes even the most thought out and crafted plans can't prepare you for whatever things life might throw at you...

This time I wasn't ready and even if I had seen it coming I still wouldn't have been ready.

You see, my mom got really sick back in 2014, her kidneys had stopped working completely by September/October of that year so she had to get dialysis immediately and she would have to get them at least twice a week since then.
She got sad for a while, my dad got angry, one of my sisters was abroad studying so she couldn't really grasp the concept of what was happening to my mom and my younger sister and I were just here to help pick up the pieces.
But my mom, being the brave and faithful woman she always was and taught my sisters and I to be, she pulled through.
Yeah, she had to make drastic changes to her diet, her daily routines and just her life in general.
But she faced it head on, always having faith that she'd get better, that she'd get a miracle. She wasn't big in the transplant idea because a) she was really scared of never waking up from anesthesia hahaha b) she wouldn't let any of us 3 girls donate her one of our kidneys.

A year passed and it's now Sept/Oct 2015 her health had been declining these days so we took her to the hospital and they found she had a severe infection caused by a bacteria she ingested through badly handled food (do wash your veggies and fruits and clean all meat you'll cook and consume after, WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE COOKING)
She spent 4 days in the hospital with horrible stomachache and being sick every other hour.
But she pulled through haha.
We just kept praying and praying and she kept on fighting and fighting.
She was released from the hospital a sunday I remember...
But by wednesday we were back at the hospital...

She had a stroke, my mom, I will never be able to put into words how I felt that night. I was the second to get to her.
My dad was always the one by her side, at all times, spoiling her, helping her, spoiling her again, and just overall he was an amazing husband and really I could see the "sickness and in health" part of their vows there.
So... I got to her... she couldn't move the whole left side of her body and she didn't even realize it was happening.
God only knows how he gave me the strength not to break down right then and there.

We had to carry her (my dad and I) to the car, it was close to midnight so thankfully the roads were practically empty.
My 2 sisters and I were together so one of them went with my dad to the hospital while the other one waited for me to change out of my pj's before we too went to the hospital.

She needed a lot of therapy to be able to feed herself again, to talk again, to pretty much learn everything again.

I've gotta say, halfway through 2016 I was a really angry person, my depression had taken such a hold on me I was practically just existing.
And I'll forever regret that.
I regret not being in the moment, not enjoying my life, not living, not hugging her more...
I got better by the end of the year a little too late but I was doing so much better.

My mom passed January 26th
Yet again, I was the second to get to her.
She went fast.
She went tough.
She went awesomely.
I wish I'd done so many things differently that day, these past years...
I was a really awful daughter last year and that's something that I'll have to live with for the rest of my life... I did apologize to her before she passed, we talked for hours that day.
But, my mom knew that I loved her, there was never any doubt in my mind about that.

Even with her kidneys not working, her family not giving two cents about her, me being awful most of the time, not being able to fully move the left side of her body, not being able to eat what she loved most in this world-tomatoes-because of her kidneys, not being able to work at all, and being cold most a lot because of her constant anemic state...
She was the most AMAZING person.
She never lost faith she'd get better, she always worried about me and my depression, she smiled so much, she laughed so hard, she danced and danced and danced, she listened to music so loud I had to use headphones at all times.
She never stopped being her.
She didn't let all of what was happening to her define who she was.

I miss my mom with every fiber of my being.
I ache to hug her. To kiss her. To do her nails, her makeup. To smell her perfume as she passed by me.
I miss her so much it hurts.
I didn't cry much when she passed.
I wanted to be strong for my younger sisters, for my dad and for every single person who lost her as well.

She was so loved by everyone that knew her. Even her horrible family loved her in their messed-up way.

I'm crying right now.
It feels great!

So, writing took a little bit of a backseat, reading I could but only after a couple of weeks had passed. And vlogging... well I hadn't even thought of that until I wrote it down here.

I'm not angry. I'm not mad.
I'm glad she's not hurting anymore, because trust me, she hurt and bad.
I'm happy she's seeing everything we could only dream of while we're alive.
God decided it was her time. I can't complain... not really.
I believe that everything happens because it had to happen and you can either sit down and cry and cry and complain and wail and scream and curse or you can cry for then dry your tears and keep on going.
I'm choosing to do the latter.
Mom told me to. She told me she wanted to see me happy, successful and happy.
She said, "Don't waste more time being sad and angry, you're strong, you're beautiful, you're intelligent and smart. Stop wasting time and start investing it, start living it. It's never too late to do anything, you just have to start..."
I plan on following my mom's advice.

I'm filled with so much love, from my family, my very few but awesome friends, but above all from God.

This hasn't stopped me from believing in God.
Just as this hasn't made me relapse in depression.

And really, I could only write this down right now because I recently read Jeaniene Frost's acknowledgments for "Into The Fire."
That's her platform and she chose to use it, so I thought... Might as well use mine and practice some therapy of my own.

Even if no one reads this, it's alright.
I selfishly admit I'm doing this to get it all out of my system, but if you made it all the way here,

Thank you.

Love your mom, dad...family.
You only get one of those.
Have no regrets my beautiful people, no regrets <3

(Favorite photo bomb EVER lol Te amo mami)

In other more upbeat news, I finished reading Corrupt by Penelope Douglas last week and O_O OH MY CLOUD! I really enjoyed that book!

Happy reading!!




PS. Hundreds if not thousands die of kidney failure in my country, the treatment is extremely expensive, hospitals weren't taking any more patients for hemodialysis instead wanted them to use other types of dialysis, seriously the list goes on and on.
To most, transplants are still treated as some kind of foreign concept and we definitely do not have a donor waiting list whatsoever. Third World country problems ya know?

Sorry for any typos or grammatical horrors. I didn't edit this post.